Express Your Needs to Get What You Want

Most of us are used to talking about what we don’t want or don’t like in life, but much less comfortable talking about what we want — whether it’s at work, at home, or in a relationship.

However, we’re not going to get what we want if we don’t learn to ask for it. This is easier said than done, of course, but here are some tips to make those conversations with your partner a little easier.

Don’t Play the Victim

One sure fire way to put your partner on edge is to make yourself seem like the victim in a relationship. In order to have a truly productive conversation, you need to accept the fact that you are partially to blame for problems in your relationship.

Playing the victim role also implies passive behavior, which is the opposite of actively expressing your needs. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. If you don’t take an active role and speak up, you definitely are not going to get what you want.

Focus on Behaviors

Once you are comfortable speaking up in an active way, it’s time to think about how you make those requests and what exactly you are asking your partner to do.

The rule of thumb here is to ask your partner to change behaviors, not attitudes, motivations, or feelings. Behaviors are somewhat easy to change (depending on what specific behaviors you’re talking about), but deeper attitudes are much more difficult.

Your partner might feel personally threatened if you ask them to change those elements of their personality they see as part of who they are and beyond their control.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Conversations that involve asking for what you want can be difficult and anxiety-ridden, but that does not mean they need to become angry or contentious. The best thing you can do is keep calm and be honest about how you’re feeling.

If you’re nervous, don’t try to hide it or cover your nerves with anger. The more honest you are, the better you’ll feel and the easier it will be to get your partner on the same page with you.