Learn to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship

The only way to be sure that you get what you want out of life is to ask for it, and relationships are no exception to that. As I’ve written about before, it is absolutely possible to ask for what you want without coming across as greedy, overbearing, or any other negative trait that comes to mind.

Being direct about wants and desires is not something we’re used to doing, especially for women. The first few times you do this are bound to be a little awkward, but don’t let that deter you! As with most things, the more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll become.

What are your needs?

This sounds almost too basic, but it’s not. You need to be clear about what you want in order to be clear about asking for it. This requires having an honest conversation with yourself about what’s going to make you happy.

Finding out what your true needs are will not happen overnight, especially if you’ve been repressing them for a while. Over time, though, they will emerge and you’ll be ready to begin sharing them with your partner.

If you aren’t sure how to begin thinking about your needs, consider having a few practice discussions with a trusted friend before broaching anything with your significant other.

I, not you

Resist the urge to turn a conversation about what you want into a gripe session for everything that you do not like about your partner. You might want that person to change some of those actions or behaviors, but it should not be the entire focus of a discussion about wants.

Instead of pointing fingers, try to keep the focus on you. For example, instead of saying “you spend too much time on your phone,” say “I would like to have more of your attention.” And instead of “you never help with the housework,” say “I would like more time to focus on other activities.”

This approach allows the other person to come to a conclusion on their own rather than having one forced on them. It’s likely to be the same thing you secretly wanted in the first place, but it’s a much better way to get there.